Dear men: Here’s how to not be an asshole to women at work
Dear men: Here’s how to not be an asshole to women at work
It really shouldn’t be difficult, but I wrote a guide anyway
It really shouldn’t be difficult, but I wrote a guide anyway
Story and Illustrations by Jes Mason
Story and Illustrations by Jes Mason
Have you found yourself wondering why your coworkers keep sending you Canva graphics on Instagram about how to be a better ally to women? Why your Facebook comments “complimenting” her new profile pic only ever gets anger reacts? Or maybe why all the women in the Zoom call turn their cameras off as soon as the host lets you in? Well, maybe it’s because you’re that guy—the resident office creep women have learned to avoid.
Whether you just felt the telltale sense of shame or not, I’ve compiled a list of basic, bare minimum tips for how to treat the women at work—or in any place in your life—who have to tolerate you. This is for all you men out there—yes, all of you. How is it so hard to not be a dick?
Have you found yourself wondering why your coworkers keep sending you Canva graphics on Instagram about how to be a better ally to women? Why your Facebook comments “complimenting” her new profile pic only ever gets anger reacts? Or maybe why all the women in the Zoom call turn their cameras off as soon as the host lets you in? Well, maybe it’s because you’re that guy—the resident office creep women have learned to avoid.
Whether you just felt the telltale sense of shame or not, I’ve compiled a list of basic, bare minimum tips for how to treat the women at work—or in any place in your life—who have to tolerate you. This is for all you men out there—yes, all of you. How is it so hard to not be a dick?
Don’t tell women how much it must suck to be a woman
We know!
Don’t look at my boobs, please
Here’s one I can empathize with — boobs are nice! No doubt about that. But I promise you, there’s tons of nice boobies online that you’re allowed to look at for as long as you want—mine are not them. An accidental glance isn’t the end of the world, but any more than one second of direct eye-to-boob contact per conversation is seriously toeing the line.
Don’t touch me without consent!
Here are two things to ask yourself before you initiate physical contact: 1. Did I say you could? 2. Would you do the same thing to a male colleague? If you answered no to either of these, do not proceed. Don’t shake his hand then ask me for a hug. Don’t put your arm around me. Don’t touch the small of my back and physically move me out of your way. Don’t rub my goddamn thigh through my ripped jeans. Why do I even have to say this?
Don’t tell women how much it must suck to be a woman
We know!
Don’t look at my boobs, please
Here’s one I can empathize with — boobs are nice! No doubt about that. But I promise you, there’s tons of nice boobies online that you’re allowed to look at for as long as you want—mine are not them. An accidental glance isn’t the end of the world, but any more than one second of direct eye-to-boob contact per conversation is seriously toeing the line.
Don’t touch me without consent!
Here are two things to ask yourself before you initiate physical contact: 1. Did I say you could? 2. Would you do the same thing to a male colleague? If you answered no to either of these, do not proceed. Don’t shake his hand then ask me for a hug. Don’t put your arm around me. Don’t touch the small of my back and physically move me out of your way. Don’t rub my goddamn thigh through my ripped jeans. Why do I even have to say this?
Don’t call me bossy
I’m fully convinced this is just a code word for “I don’t like women having ideas or making decisions.” Have you ever in your life heard someone call a man bossy?
Don’t tell me that I look beautiful today
This is another one that you might think is a compliment, and it can sometimes depend on the context. That said, the days when a random male associate tells me I look beautiful directly corresponds to the days I bother to put on makeup—I’ve done the math. If you find yourself muttering “takE a COmpliMenT” under your breath right now, please consider making better compliments. Read: compliments not about my body.
Don’t call me sweetie, honey, etc.
Don’t call me sweetie, honey, etc.
No exceptions here, dude—this is just weird. Are you my boss or my grandmother?
Don’t call me “one of the guys”
I know it’s intended as a compliment but when you really think about it, this is kind of weird. Is my womanhood inherently opposed to my worthiness of respect or is this just your weird way of saying you don’t want to fuck me? Thanks, but no thanks.
Don’t ask me to “name five of their songs”
Don’t ask me to “name five of their songs”
Dude, I’m wearing the shirt because (a) it looks cool and (b) I haven’t done laundry in a week so it’s my last clean one. Whether I like the band or not doesn’t really factor into the equation. As a general rule, don’t ask me something just to see if I know it—why do you even care that much? Liking The Smiths isn’t a personality trait, even if you work in STEM.
Don’t call me bossy
I’m fully convinced this is just a code word for “I don’t like women having ideas or making decisions.” Have you ever in your life heard someone call a man bossy?
Don’t tell me that I look beautiful today
This is another one that you might think is a compliment, and it can sometimes depend on the context. That said, the days when a random male associate tells me I look beautiful directly corresponds to the days I bother to put on makeup—I’ve done the math. If you find yourself muttering “takE a COmpliMenT” under your breath right now, please consider making better compliments. Read: compliments not about my body.
Don’t call me sweetie, honey, etc.
Don’t call me sweetie, honey, etc.
No exceptions here, dude—this is just weird. Are you my boss or my grandmother?
Don’t call me “one of the guys”
I know it’s intended as a compliment but when you really think about it, this is kind of weird. Is my womanhood inherently opposed to my worthiness of respect or is this just your weird way of saying you don’t want to fuck me? Thanks, but no thanks.
Don’t ask me to “name five of their songs”
Don’t ask me to “name five of their songs”
Dude, I’m wearing the shirt because (a) it looks cool and (b) I haven’t done laundry in a week so it’s my last clean one. Whether I like the band or not doesn’t really factor into the equation. As a general rule, don’t ask me something just to see if I know it—why do you even care that much? Liking The Smiths isn’t a personality trait, even if you work in STEM.
Don’t explain things to me just to prove that you know them
Do you seriously think I don’t know that Parasite is about capitalism?
Don’t tell me what type of porn you like completely unprompted
This applies to all your sexual preferences—I don’t wanna know. I don’t think I need to elaborate more on this one but men, you’re not allowed to feign outrage when you read this. The porn thing has happened to me more than once in a workplace. You and I both know guys who say this type of shit, I promise.
Don’t predict the future
I’ve met so many bona fide fortune tellers in my life that it’s not even impressive anymore. I’m going to have kids in seven years and have to decide between being a shitty mother and giving up my career, you say? My maternal instinct is going to slowly and surely thwart my professional ambitions?! Thank you, Mr. Long Island Medium, for that “reality” check.
Don’t conceal your misogyny until no women are around
Maybe you’re good enough at pretending to respect women that none of this has really applied to you yet. But that doesn’t matter if you and your homies get together on Xbox Live every night to talk about all the crazy bitches you had to deal with that day. To be honest, I’d rather you say that shit in front of me so I know to avoid you.
Do tell your male peers to stop being creeps already
It’s not good enough for you to not be a creep. If you’re letting it slide when the men around you are being misogynistic, then you’re being misogynistic. Keep an eye on “your boys” and tell them to STFU the next time they start ranting in the breakroom about #MeToo and how we should only believe women with “evidence.” (Side note: In a court of law, testimony is evidence.)
Don’t explain things to me just to prove that you know them
Do you seriously think I don’t know that Parasite is about capitalism?
Don’t tell me what type of porn you like completely unprompted
This applies to all your sexual preferences—I don’t wanna know. I don’t think I need to elaborate more on this one but men, you’re not allowed to feign outrage when you read this. The porn thing has happened to me more than once in a workplace. You and I both know guys who say this type of shit, I promise.
Don’t predict the future
I’ve met so many bona fide fortune tellers in my life that it’s not even impressive anymore. I’m going to have kids in seven years and have to decide between being a shitty mother and giving up my career, you say? My maternal instinct is going to slowly and surely thwart my professional ambitions?! Thank you, Mr. Long Island Medium, for that “reality” check.
Don’t conceal your misogyny until no women are around
Maybe you’re good enough at pretending to respect women that none of this has really applied to you yet. But that doesn’t matter if you and your homies get together on Xbox Live every night to talk about all the crazy bitches you had to deal with that day. To be honest, I’d rather you say that shit in front of me so I know to avoid you.
Do tell your male peers to stop being creeps already
It’s not good enough for you to not be a creep. If you’re letting it slide when the men around you are being misogynistic, then you’re being misogynistic. Keep an eye on “your boys” and tell them to STFU the next time they start ranting in the breakroom about #MeToo and how we should only believe women with “evidence.” (Side note: In a court of law, testimony is evidence.)
